Log Roundup --

Here's a quick roundup of previous Queenslogs regarding the invasion of masked marauders: (Posted on Facebook originally)

August 4: It is my belief the masked marauders are plotting an epic battle. There has been little to no sign of them since the mercenary engagement night before last. As the leader of this Queendom, it's my job to protect our people and critters from invading armies. It is in that light that I bring in my Soul Warriors -- this sorta-secret team of experts provides ninja-like backup for my every need from kidney-shaped cakes, to tackle boxes full of liquor to fish-shaped amulets of protection. There are many members of the SW team, but their roles vary. In this case, Tina Metzler and Kat Whittaker carry an arsenal of weaponry and bad attitudes. They will be leading us into battle over the next few days and I've no doubt they will succeed where I have failed. For further updates, I'll start moving my Queenslogs over to my website -- as that is probably what an astute business woman might do if she were, in fact, paying attention to her professional growth potential. Stay tuned for reports from the field. Load the whiskey and saddle the horses, girls. It's time to ride.

Queenslog: Stardate August? WTF? Really? August 3. The masked marauders still torment the queendom. We lost our faithful soldier hen#0039 in the battle. It seems "dog proof trap" does not also mean "hen proof". Who knew the bird could stick her entire head in a 'coon trap. She served her nation well. We have memorialized her appropriately. Recon reports tell us a mercenary soldier engaged with the enemy last night although no concrete evidence of the battle was found. Could zombies be patrolling our perimeter? The village is restless. As of 10 p.m., all is quiet on the western front... we rest now and wait....

The security guard claims to have shot 3 raccoons last night. I can't find any bodies. This means: 1) he's wrong, 2) I'm blind or 3) we're dealing with a tribe of raccoons that is sophisticated enough to remove the dead and plot revenge.

August 2

For those of you thinking I might be exaggerating my raccoon issues, this is a direct quote from our security guard: "They are all over down here. Some big ones" And a few minutes later.... "Those are some big ones". ---- I feel somewhat validated now

**When a warrior prepares for battle it's important to return to her roots-- eat some trout, hang out in the house she grew up in, order some Avon, grab some ice cream at Clover Leaf-- ya know-- the important stuff. And then she'll be ready for whatever the masked invaders bring tonight. Will be developing a new battle cry on the drive back to the great white north....

The little bastards walked right past 3 (THREE) of my perfectly baited traps! The overpriced magic potion that came with my traps must have been for raccoons of a different species! Foiled again! I will not be defeated. I have YouTube videos and I'm not afraid to watch them! Plus I still have my secret weapon, Tina Metzler, and her bag of Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.

**Nothing in my traps. No sign the critters were even there. I'm trying not to take it personally. But I swear, if I check the game cameras and the little buggers were in the yard last night -- I will throw a gigantic, pouting, hissy fit. So. There.